What a difference a year makes....

"You don't stumble into the future.  You create your own future." - Roger Smith

Sitting down looking at my goals that I had written down for 2012 and all I can do is wonder.  I was putting myself out there to make changes.  Setting myself up for big things...Then the year started and that's as far as I got.

The only similarities to this year and last year is that I'm injured....Last year I was getting back in shape, completing my first marathon and ending the year with positive thoughts and a positive outlook towards 2012.

Then the year started....First with a relapse with my crohns and now with an injury that has me on the sidelines.  I haven't been able to workout in 6 months.  Now I'm just trying to stand up or walk without falling.  An MRI in May showed no structural damage.  Strained ligaments, something called condromalysia and damage to my quad.  After a month of being in a brace and with therapy, it doesn't seem better, at least to me.  Therapist tells me it's getting stronger, at least some things are.  My quad, not so much.  For now the inside part of my quad is not working.  The muscle is not cooperating with my brain.  I tell it to move and it just sits there.

Sit on the floor, both legs in front of you straight out.  Now raise your leg up in the air.  Sounds simple right?  For some reason my left leg will not raise.  No amount of mind control magic will work.

Just yesterday I was walking outside and out of no where just fell.  Knee buckled and on the ground I went.  I quickly looked around to see if anyone was watching and slowly got up.  I try and hide my limp, try and walk normal, but sometimes it doesn't work.  I try and picture the day I can walk up the stairs like a regular person and I can't see it...It's been months.  I try and picture the day that there is no pain, but the picture is too cloudy.  I try and picture a day where I just stop saying "it can always be worse," just so I can feel better.

 

Toughest part about everything is being tied down, not literally of course.  I could go on the whoa is me kick with the past 6 months.  If it's not my crohns, it's my knee, if it's not my knee its whatever.  Life goes on, granted I can make excuses.  They are lined up waiting for me to use, sometimes tempting me to grab.  I'm not a whoa is me type of person.  I may whine a bit, but I always know that someone, somewhere has it worse.  Sometimes that is the hardest part.  Alot of people have no idea, because there is no reason to know.  There are plenty of days that I want to just give up.  Just doesn't feel like it's worth it.  But then there are those days of hope, whether it be because of the sun shining or a smile or just a feeling in the air....

Last month I was feeling well enough to volunteer at the area prisons in Cleveland with the Wing's Ministry.  Something I've done for a few years now and it's such a positive experience.  On top of seeing the inmates with their families and the purpose of the day, you get to see a reality check.  Just like in your everyday life you never know whose life you can touch.  All it may take is a smile or a simple hi, how are you, or simple spending your time with someone...

 

While 2012 has been a bust and really no light at the end of the tunnel, it's hard not to look back.  It's hard not to wonder what, or why.  The past is the past for a reason...It's there to make us stronger.  Things happen for a reason.

People are brought into our lives for different reasons.  In April I gave a shout out to the Cleveland 10-Miler girls.  It was a year ago that we met and it was a year ago that I can say that you changed our lives for the better.  Jodi, Jenn and myself will never be the same and I know I can speak for all of us when I say that.  I'm still amazed that we are at our spots in life today all because I was hurt.  Granted to be in the right place and right time to take their picture helped...LOL.  Not only meeting you, but mutual friends that have crossed our paths and into our lives.  Still amazed how much an injury could change 3 lives.  You guys are the positive force that everyone should have in their lives.  Thanks for being a positive group, people to look up to and someone I can call a friend.  Just goes to show you that things happen for a reason....

 

Technically 2012 is not over, as much as it seems.  As much as it hurts to see what could have been, I can only focus on the positive.  (And sometimes that gets tiring and old)  I have to try and focus and rehabbing my knee.  I will complete an Ironman at some point in my life, just not as soon as I hoped.  I will be back out there being active in some form.  I'm looking forward to trying to better myself as a person.  I'm looking forward to meeting new people and embarking on some new journey's.  I'm looking forward to the fall in helping the guys at Otterbein as an advisor go from being a Colony to being a full fledged Chapter of Phi Delt.  I'm looking forward to volunteering more in the fall.  So there are things I can look forward to, no matter how it looks at this moment....2012 can be salvaged.

 

Life changing events don't have to involve millions of dollars or tragedy.  Sometimes it's the little things that have an impact in our lives.  You never know what can happen.  You never know whose life you can touch or who you can boost up.  Don't wake up one day and realize you wasted all your life thinking about you.  And before you criticize, before you complain about someone...Think about this.  They are human just like you.  Put yourself in their shoes and walk a day in their lives before you judge or think you know who they are or why they do what they do.

 

Until next time....

Time to Step Out....

Its been some time since I last blogged. Granted I started this blog last year as a way to stay commited and accountable during training for my first marathon. It was also a way to step outside the box. I had planned to sit down and finish my goals for 2012 last month which included alot of things.  Obviously that was a big fail....This time as I sit, I'm deciding not to talk about running or exercising or even goals. This is going to be about someone I know. They are unsure about me doing this, but maybe it will help. He has been told it's a good idea and that I should go ahead.

My friend has been told he's a great guy.   He probably would do anything for anyone at the drop of a hat. Some would say he has a good life, some would say they don't really know him. He stays positive as much as he can, surrounds himself with great people. But inside he holds with him, not so much a secret, but a part of him that not many know. A part that not many understand...a part that he feels is not important and a part he tries to ignore. He is living with something that is a daily part of his life. This person lives with something called Crohn's Disease.

In all my questions and all my research for this, there were things that I did not know and have come to learn. Yes, it's not cancer, or ALS or MS. Not to say one is more important than the others or his "struggles" are better or worse than others. I realize he feels they are not important, or as important as those things. He knows there are bigger problems out there.

As this person will tell you, it's hard to explain to someone just exactly what Crohn's is, hard to explain what people may go through. It's not exactly dinner/drinks conversation for starters, plus someone can not really grasp it as there is no way to truly understand from words without experiencing it. There is not just one "symptom", not just one "problem". Anyone who has it is affected differently. Sometimes it affects your feet as the swell up like balloons, sometimes your arms and legs, sometimes your back to where you can barely move, sometimes your mouth as it fills with canquer sores from the acid in the gut. But the main headquarters is all in the gut. The gut is your second brain. Through research, I've found its ALL about food. Food choices, food sensitivities, food allergies....

Most people say the obvious...Just go to the doctor or go to the hospital. They will give you a pill and it will make it all better. If only that were the case. Granted everyone has their own opinions, has their own thoughts. Some people feel pills are a gift from God, some feel they do more harm than good. It's just not that easy.  But that may be for another day, another blog....

Dealing with this, there are days he feels normal and days he feels lost.  There are tears from the pain.  There's hospital visits and rehab.  This person goes through uncertainty each day. While most people take the everyday things for granted, or the routine things for granted, he has to plan and think in advance and take surroundings into account. What to eat, when to eat, where to eat. Yes, most people "plan" what to eat, but planning in the sense of knowing your surroundings in case you eat certain things. There are times when he wouldn't eat if he knew he had plans later that night. There are times he won't go out, out of fear of something happening.

He has come to the point where he doesn't know what is next. One day it will get better, then next day its ten times worse.  Most of all there is regret as this has overtaken his life and he seems to think he's let it win and allowed it to.  All he can do is have faith and pray. Pray that it will turn.  Somedays this person is not sure if that is enough....

This person....well, this person is me.

There are two doors to choose, two roads to follow....For some it may seem the choice is easy, some may feel that there isn't an option and the choice is clear. The past few weeks/months have given me doubts. Doubts about me and doubts about my future, if any....Do I choose to stand strong or choose to step off the ledge.

Until Next Time.....