Sitting down looking at my goals that I had written down for 2012 and all I can do is wonder. I was putting myself out there to make changes. Setting myself up for big things...Then the year started and that's as far as I got.
The only similarities to this year and last year is that I'm injured....Last year I was getting back in shape, completing my first marathon and ending the year with positive thoughts and a positive outlook towards 2012.
Then the year started....First with a relapse with my crohns and now with an injury that has me on the sidelines. I haven't been able to workout in 6 months. Now I'm just trying to stand up or walk without falling. An MRI in May showed no structural damage. Strained ligaments, something called condromalysia and damage to my quad. After a month of being in a brace and with therapy, it doesn't seem better, at least to me. Therapist tells me it's getting stronger, at least some things are. My quad, not so much. For now the inside part of my quad is not working. The muscle is not cooperating with my brain. I tell it to move and it just sits there.
Sit on the floor, both legs in front of you straight out. Now raise your leg up in the air. Sounds simple right? For some reason my left leg will not raise. No amount of mind control magic will work.
Just yesterday I was walking outside and out of no where just fell. Knee buckled and on the ground I went. I quickly looked around to see if anyone was watching and slowly got up. I try and hide my limp, try and walk normal, but sometimes it doesn't work. I try and picture the day I can walk up the stairs like a regular person and I can't see it...It's been months. I try and picture the day that there is no pain, but the picture is too cloudy. I try and picture a day where I just stop saying "it can always be worse," just so I can feel better.
Toughest part about everything is being tied down, not literally of course. I could go on the whoa is me kick with the past 6 months. If it's not my crohns, it's my knee, if it's not my knee its whatever. Life goes on, granted I can make excuses. They are lined up waiting for me to use, sometimes tempting me to grab. I'm not a whoa is me type of person. I may whine a bit, but I always know that someone, somewhere has it worse. Sometimes that is the hardest part. Alot of people have no idea, because there is no reason to know. There are plenty of days that I want to just give up. Just doesn't feel like it's worth it. But then there are those days of hope, whether it be because of the sun shining or a smile or just a feeling in the air....
Last month I was feeling well enough to volunteer at the area prisons in Cleveland with the Wing's Ministry. Something I've done for a few years now and it's such a positive experience. On top of seeing the inmates with their families and the purpose of the day, you get to see a reality check. Just like in your everyday life you never know whose life you can touch. All it may take is a smile or a simple hi, how are you, or simple spending your time with someone...
While 2012 has been a bust and really no light at the end of the tunnel, it's hard not to look back. It's hard not to wonder what, or why. The past is the past for a reason...It's there to make us stronger. Things happen for a reason.
People are brought into our lives for different reasons. In April I gave a shout out to the Cleveland 10-Miler girls. It was a year ago that we met and it was a year ago that I can say that you changed our lives for the better. Jodi, Jenn and myself will never be the same and I know I can speak for all of us when I say that. I'm still amazed that we are at our spots in life today all because I was hurt. Granted to be in the right place and right time to take their picture helped...LOL. Not only meeting you, but mutual friends that have crossed our paths and into our lives. Still amazed how much an injury could change 3 lives. You guys are the positive force that everyone should have in their lives. Thanks for being a positive group, people to look up to and someone I can call a friend. Just goes to show you that things happen for a reason....
Technically 2012 is not over, as much as it seems. As much as it hurts to see what could have been, I can only focus on the positive. (And sometimes that gets tiring and old) I have to try and focus and rehabbing my knee. I will complete an Ironman at some point in my life, just not as soon as I hoped. I will be back out there being active in some form. I'm looking forward to trying to better myself as a person. I'm looking forward to meeting new people and embarking on some new journey's. I'm looking forward to the fall in helping the guys at Otterbein as an advisor go from being a Colony to being a full fledged Chapter of Phi Delt. I'm looking forward to volunteering more in the fall. So there are things I can look forward to, no matter how it looks at this moment....2012 can be salvaged.
Life changing events don't have to involve millions of dollars or tragedy. Sometimes it's the little things that have an impact in our lives. You never know what can happen. You never know whose life you can touch or who you can boost up. Don't wake up one day and realize you wasted all your life thinking about you. And before you criticize, before you complain about someone...Think about this. They are human just like you. Put yourself in their shoes and walk a day in their lives before you judge or think you know who they are or why they do what they do.
Until next time....
